Life's perpetual Stillness...

So, I realize the whole idea of keeping a blog...the whole point is to actually utilize it...I mean, the whole idea for this was for me to write down some thoughts, maybe brainstorm with some creative writing...or something.
I've failed...and failed dismally, if I do say so myself - and I do.

I can't help it really - given my current situation. It seems repetitive and redundant to write day-in-and-day-out about the massive amounts of NOTHING going on in my life right now. I mean, at least right now it feels like nothing. I guess maybe a year down the road (assuming I'm actually employed and thriving at that time) I'll look back at this "dark night of the soul period of my life" and really see how God has worked and shaped me into someone new and more mature.
But, seriously...right now I got nothin' - my mind is a blank void of empty nothingness.

I can't even get myself past the nothingness to actually write on this novel I've been telling everyone I'm writing. I'm in the same place I was back in May when I finished school. It's pretty ridiculous, really. The fact that I've been sitting around for five months now and haven't done a thing with my writing.
Dr. Hurlow would just shake her head at me. Dr. Brown would be so disappointed....

Actually - I haven't exactly done nothing. I did get five new pages "written" for chapter three!! I say "written" because it was already written...like over a year ago - I just copied and pasted it into a new document and did some proofing....and some major deleting and editing...

I'm kind of in crisis mode, though. I keep putting it off hoping I really won't have to resort to it...hoping that God is really going to work some of His majic and find me a job before I resort to desperate measures... ie. cashiering...
I'm so afraid to go back to cashiering! I have to admit it. I really....really....REALLY don't want to cashier again.
I keep trying to make a tally of how much money I have, how long I can keep scraping by with my loan payments - how much longer I can go without actually earning a paycheck...and it's getting scary.
If I keep it up - my savings will be gone and when it does get time for me to move out...I'll have no money to set myself up.
I'm sure I can wait a couple more weeks, really...I mean, I have a feeling if I go to Ken's and talk with someone, I'd be able to get a job fairly easily (assuming they're hiring any more people). But, the thought of wearing that stupid red smock again is demeaning...it terrifies me...regardless of how temporary the job may be.
I hate the idea of getting back on at Ken's and then finding a job within a couple weeks...okay...maybe it's more of an ideal situation...but, still...
and the thought of working at Wal-Mart is even more terrifying...

Don't ask me why.

I really just want things to fall into place already. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of waiting for God to make His move. I feel like I'm doing all the work here...working to keep faith...working to stay positive with the idea that my place in ministry is out there. I'm tired...I'm poor...and I'm really sick of feeling like a kid.
I go everywhere with my parents.
I don't have a car.
I'm completely dependent...and it sucks.

Yeah - remember the other day when I said I kinda missed high school...at least the whole idea of not having to worry about debt...and all the crappy adult stuff...
forget it! I miss adulthood....I miss having control over the things I should have control over!

I've neglected my Compassion Sponsor child for four months now because I haven't had the money to pay - and now I'm going to have to neglect her for Christmas! I FAIL!!!
If I drop out...will Compassion take me back as a sponsor when I DO get a job? I mean...if they don't, wouldn't that kind of be going against who they say they are??
I should probably contact them and let them know what's going on. I wanted to cry the other day because I got a letter from my kid in the Phillipines...and she asked me if I ever planned to make a visit...
What do I say to her???

The only bright spot in my life as of late?? Paperbackswap.com!! Free book exchanges!!! I've gotten 50 some books for FREE because I give mine away!!! It's freakin' amazing!!! Although...I'm completely in the book-collecting stage of things right now. I'm totally working toward the reading part of it, though. I, again, feel like a failer, though...simply because with all this time - I've still managed to take two months to read one book!!

I soooo suck right now!!

I will NOT use my faith like a lucky charm

I had some thoughts...but can't seem to put them into words right now.
I try not to post just because things don't seem to be going my way - but it's during those times I tend to find the need to write.

I'm not even sure that things are really as bad as I think they are...because hind sight usually has me seeing better than before...

Back to the whole idea of testing the waters...trying all the doors to see if one opens...
okay, I can't think of any other metaphors for this job hunt thing...
anyway - I applied to be an admissions counselor at Asbury. I saw the job posting on the school website a few weeks ago. I ignored it then. But last week I checked back and decided to fill out the application.
I got all excited thinking I was perfect for the job - thinking I had a lot to bring to the table...
today I check the website and see the job has been taken off the site - so my first conclusion is that the job has been filled.
So, I start getting all downcast, and hard-hearted... I'm starting to think God's got it out for me...like a huge practical joke or something...
He's just loving the struggle I'm having right now...

Nevermind the e-mail I got this morning from a church in New Jersey about wanting to schedule an interview with me for a youth ministry position. Nevermind the e-mail I got from the editor of Interlinc curriculum telling me he'd love me to volunteer as a writer for them - that I have a gift for communicating through the written word...
nevermind all that...

My brain sticks with the idea that my comfort may be disrupted - that I may not have a job at Asbury like I was picturing for myself...

So, tonight - after a day of contemplation with this job in NJ - I e-mailed the committee to schedule an interview for next week. I'm so tired of feeling like everything I feel qualified for...everything I feel like I'm doing in seeking God's will...just isn't enough.

And then it got me thinking about something else...
the idea that my quiet time with God isn't so routine...is more like a rabbit's foot when things seem to turn around just a little.
My faith is not something that can be turned on and off in good times and bad...
my faith is not something I can put on the back burner and leave simmering when I'm tired, or frustrated, or....

my faith is what makes me...my trusting in Christ to pull me through the muck is what defines me as a person.
Just because I don't pull my Bible out every night to read doesn't mean I believe any less.

i try to maintain a constant attitude of prayer. I try to maintain a mindset that would be pleasing to God -
I fill my head and heart with music I feel worships and praises the God of Creation...
I surround myself with people that not only support me and believe in what I believe...but also help to challenge me and urge me to grow in that faith.

So, why is it so easy to use my faith like a lucky charm?? Why do I tend to neglect the Bible sitting by my bedside??

I read on the Asbury site that Dr. Brown is on the committee to produce a C.S. Lewis study Bible - a Bible with excerpts from Lewis' writing to aid in understanding and study!
There's another Bible set to be released this year (I think) written by people all over the country - actually printed in human handwriting. Some company went around the country and had people sign up for verses...each verse is written by someone different.

Why do we need these (gimmicks?) to urge people to read the Word of God???

Reason Enough - EH&SSQ

It's interesting what a week of NOT worrying can do for the soul -






today I got an e-mail from this production company that "thinks I'm a good fit for their company" - it's a 10-month opportunity to travel the country setting up and tearing down monster screens for school assemblies. I thought it sounded like an interesting opportunity, but I felt like I was running from my problems by seriously considering it. So, I'm not going to do it.
I've sent out two more resumes for youth ministry positions, and I'm sending another out tomorrow - Savannah, GA, Wilson, NC, and Alexandria, VA - we'll see what happens.

I'm tired of worrying about it - not like it's doing me any good anyway.
When I'm in the right place, I'll know it - and God will get me there eventually. No worries here! :)

For now...anyway!

passion vs. calling

I have been thinking a lot about this whole writing thing....and ministry thing. Most of this has really been a simmering pot in the back of my mind...and finally last night...and today it's all really started to boil over. Contribute it all to the rejection I got from the church in Detroit. Contribute it to my inability to feel confident about my direction in life. Contribute it to God's unwillingness to have me settle...

I mean, I definitely feel a calling into ministy - there's no question about that. I guess my confusion comes with the form that my ministry will take...is supposed to take.

Now, I've always had a passion for working with teens - but I'm wondering if my passion for Christian music outweighs the passion I have for teens - and if a passion for something is enough to completely chang directions. Everything in me says 'yes.'

(and this is all connected to the writing thing, I promise)

I remember having a discussion with Dr. Budd back in the day about how people place too much emphasis on passion for something - rather than placing importance on calling...
and that morphed into some kind of decision/discussion as to how our calling fits our passions, etc.

Last night - Ernie Haase and Signature Sound came to Lexington - did an amazing! AMAZING!!! concert! I'm totally in my element when it comes to concerts and music that proclaims the Truth of Christ! Great music, people worshipping - there's just something special about it and I'm completely pulled in everytime! The atmosphere, the music, the lifestyle - everything about it appeals to me, my nature, my desires!

At the show last night, before the guys got on stage, I made a passing comment to my mom about representing the group as their writer - taking a job blogging for them, keeping websites updated (facebook, etc.), newsletter writing, etc. (All of this followed a comment my grandfather made - "You'll be up there singing tenor for the group one day" - still not sure what he's thinking...like I have THAT great of a singing voice...barely even good...NOT even good). But, this idea was never something that really ever occurred to me as something that I could or should seriously consider pursuing.
But all day today the idea hasn't left my head.
I've continually asked myself...what if? How could I...???
Is this seriously something I could consider pursuing...and most importantly...HOW could I pursue this?

I've conisidered ministry to youth a calling. And while I've had some experience in the field - I wonder if that's enough to pull me back in? After talking with a professor this past semester, I've come to a new understanding concerning calling - and how not-so-fixed a calling (or the scope of a calling) may be. While I've felt a calling into ministry - I'm STILL not so sure I'm cut out for full-time church ministry.
I mean, a big reason I've taken to applying for church jobs as of late is really to serve as a bridge to a full-time writing career of some sort down the road.

How could I manage to take that bridge and bypass it all together? Where could I begin NOW writing - and feeling like my calling is being fulfilled?

I've always dreamed of working with Christian musicians - traveling, working PR, even just selling merchandise or something... I think the life would be exciting, would be challenging, would really just open so much up for me...
but again...where do I go from here? I mean...I'd hate to think I've had these dreams/desires so long...to think it's all really just a pipe dream. I don't think it is.

So, where do I go from here?

Do I contact artists directly? Do I contact managers? Do I contact record labels? Do I stick with applying for ministry/church jobs and forget this idea as a fleeting moment of starry eyed flappability??
I mean, I don't really want to forget that I JUST spent a year of my life earning a creative writing degree just to go back to something that, while I feel called to some degree, frustrated me on so many levels.

I think I'm just going to decide to go for it - just see what can happen over the next couple weeks.
I mean, the last time I applied for ministry jobs - I sent out at least 10 resumes and NEVER heard from one church. This time around, I've already sent out that many - and maybe a few more. I've had four interviews (2 interviews for 2 different churches - which is further than I got last time btw). I've heard from one that they don't think the fit is right. I'm still waiting to hear from the other church. Just the other day I sent out two more resumes for church programs (still with the questions to desire/fit/calling running through my head).
So, while I'm looking for that, what's the harm in trying to make contact about some other stuff?
I mean, the best way to discover God's leading is to try ALL the doors, right??

chronic illness...?

can addiction to Christian music ever be a bad thing???

By Your Side
Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
just don't turn away

Why are you lookin' for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?

Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night, whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holdin' you
My hands are holdin' you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in and give you life
I wanna give you life

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holdin' you.
My hands are holdin' you
Here at my side
wherever you've fallen
in the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holdin' you
My hands are holdin' you

Cause I love you
I want you to know
that I love you
I'll never let you go

Cause I'll be by your side
wherver you fall
in the dead of night
whenever you call
please don't fight
these hands that are holding you
my hands are holding you.

I remember back in April...or May...when they were having the Dove awards...and people were voting for the best new artist - I voted for Addison Road. Then I discovered this group - Tenth Avenue North - and instantly wished I could change my vote!
This group is pretty amazing...thoughtful...insightful lyrics...passionate...

definitely worth the risk of addiction...

And an excellent reminder for me right now...
a great way to keep me focused...to keep my purpose and desires to please God front and center...
and when I'm frustrated...well...God's there the whole time...
because this isn't exactly a stress-free/worry-free time for me...despite the lack of responsibility -
I'm feeling the stress of everyone around me -

-a father who wants more and fears losing everything he's worked for
-a mother feeling pressure from aging parents, a husband with his nose deep in the reality of finacial inadequacy, and a son unwilling to act his age
-a brother unwilling to manage his priorities of family and finances responsibly
-a dwindling savings account and school loans coming back into repayment
-a desire to help, but fear that I may have to stop the things I'm most passionate about - ie. sponsoring my Compassion Child

Let It Go
Tenth Avenue North

I've been holdin' on so tight
Look at these knuckles they've gone white
I'm fighting for who I want to be
I'm just trying to find security

But you say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go

Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring
So tell me what do You want from me

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say You will be everything i need
You say if I lose my life its' then I'll find my sould
You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if i bend?
What if i break?
What will it cost?
What will it take for you to save my soul?

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say You will be everythign I need
You say if i lose my life it's then I find my soul
You say let it go
You say let it go...

So-
Lord,
Take my worries - take my concerns...
Bring peace into my life!

What if I'm not what they think?

I've been thinking about something a friend of mine told me last week -
It all started when we were talking about writing, and what it means to be a Christian writer/reader. There are some things we read as literature students and sometimes find ourselves wondering if it's something we really should be reading. Or sometimes we end up writing something - we start developing characters - and we wonder if we should really go any further with them.

I wrote a story this last semester - not something new for me...really. The character started out as a drug addict waking up in a girl's apartment with memory of who she was or how he got there. I started second guessing myself as a Christian - wondering if it was really something I should delve into (one, not really knowing the lifestyle and two, exposing myself to some not-so-Christ-like-things). I ended up changing the character a little...instead of being an actual drug addict - he "faked" it. And while he woke up in the girl's apartment - he had driven her home as her savior...
Ultimately I liked where the character went n the story...I like that he was more of the stand-up guy...especially being that he was an undercover cop....

All this to say...
we got into the discussion about what we expose our minds to....and it lead to a discussion of how writing in a Christian college - trying to develop characters truthfully is hard. Especially when you have professors limiting you to what she wants in a story. Granted there was only one rule - NO BLASPHEMY!!
I can live with that...
But...in the same story mentioned above...I have my character exclaiming on several occasions..."Oh my God!"
Or in other stories...teenage girls "Oh my GAWD!!!!"...
You get the point.
Try having a professor scratch that out and in big letters write - My Big No! No! No Blasphemy! (Which gets us talking more about what is it okay to write...is it okay to cuss in a story if the character would? What does that say about me as a writer??)

But ultimately this all leads my friend and me into the discussion of - is it blasphemy or is it taking the Lord's name in vain (which is what I've always been told it is.)
I've always thought blasphemy is denouncing Christ as the Son of God - rejecting the Holy Spirit...

Now, I've come to consider my friend to be quite educated and knowledgeable - more so than I am about Greek and what Scripture REALLY says...as some meaning has gotten lost in translation...
I mean...all my life - I've NEVER been one to use God's name casually...I don't typically make exclamations using God's name...
it's just not what I do.
But my friend starts talking about her understanding about what it means to take the Lord's name in vain.

Basically, she says, it's taking God's name - saying you belong to God...and not living up to it. It's saying that your a Christian and not living like it. It's saying you're a child of God and not acting like one.

And for almost a week now, I've had to take a step back and think about everything I do....everything I say...
and man...I suck!!!
I mean...if I say I'm a Christian...if I say I belong to God...shouldn't I be acting like it? Shouldn't I make more time to read my Bible? Shouldn't I make more time for daily worship?

So, why don't I?

When it comes to all of the stuff I've talked about here - I'm not so sure writing a story about a drug addict is so bad - I mean, it doesn't make me a drug addict...
or writing a character who cusses isn't wrong...especially if it's a character that has some kind of moral turnaround...
it all serves a purpose...

But what I have to think about - with my writing...or even my reading...
Does what I write cause people to stumble in their walk with God?
Does what I'm reading cause me to grow closer are stray farther from God?

I'm not saying I'm turning my back on Literature...there's no way I could do that...
but I can be careful about what I choose to expose my mind and heart to.

As I've been done with school I haven't taken the time to write like I thought I would. I haven't done ANY writing.
I've read the final book and a half of Harry Potter. I've read the Twilight series. I've watched dozens of movies and hours of TV. I've had two job interviews and I have two follow-up interviews later this week.
There's obviously time in my day to offer God my undivided attention - to learn to put my thoughts and beliefs into action...

I guess what I'm trying to say is...
I've got these interviews...I'm telling people what I believe, where I stand with my faith...
so...why am I not doing something about...
what if I'm not the person I'm presenting...What if I'm not what they think?

Almira's singing her original song 'Chillax' - Lexington, KY, United States, 40511 - Oprah's Search for the most talented kid Video - Is it your kid?

Last night at church - Almira came in to sing her original song - amazing talent!!


Almira's singing her original song 'Chillax' - Lexington, KY, United States, 40511 - Oprah's Search for the most talented kid Video - Is it your kid?

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Expressions of Your Love

Just saw this video on the Gospel Music Channel - pretty sweet!

3-hour thinkfest

There's a reason I love long drives - the three-hour drive I made to Lancaster, OH today is no exception - driving gives me time - time to think, time to pray, time to worship, time to just be...
and it's wonderful.

So I'm driving - and it's not until I'm back in northern Kentucky (just after 10pm) that I'm struck by a flood of thoughts...emotions...i can't really explain it. It's one of those moments that...I'm listening to a song - I've heard it a thousand times before - and suddenly...it all hits home...it all makes sense. The words sink in and grab hold...and something in me stirs....something in me changes.

Tonight - as I'm curving my way back home listening to Starfield's "Beauty in the Broken" album, the song "Captivate" comes on... and it happens.
Suddenly, the words from my pastor this past weekend mean something more...suddenly the passage in Isaiah from which he preached means more...suddenly EVERYTHING means more.

Isaiah 6: 1-8

In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one called to another and said:
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts;
the whole earth is full of his glory!"
And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said: "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!"
Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth and sad: "Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for."
And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "Here am I! Send me."

At church Saturday night, the pastor took this passage - tore it apart - and talked about how people walk into church and never really expect to meet God. They don't expect a face-to-face meeting like Isaiah had in the temple...
and he raised the question... What would happen...what would change if we walked into church expecting a REAL encounter with God? Would our worship change? Would we change?

So, I'm listening to Starfield and the words just bring all this back up -
I begin questioning so many things!
- what's pulling me away from true worship?
- why can't I give more in worship?
- why can't I experience God the way Isaiah did?
- why can't I FEEL what I believe?

And it's not like the answers really came - it's not like I was flooded with overwhelming certainty - or step-by-step instructions on how to experience God...
but I came to an understanding...

Last week I watched an episode of Faith and Fame on the Gospel Music Channel (It's all Gospel) - and the show featured a profile on Jeremy Camp's life and calling into music ministry. As I've seen Jeremy in concert several times - his testimony wasn't really a surprise -
what did surprise me...and what nearly drew me to tears was the story that followed his testimony of how he dealt with the death of his first wife.
They'd just gotten back from their honeymoon and discovered that her cancer had returned and there was no way to treat it. The day she died - Jeremy and his family sang praises to Jesus - rejoiced in the fact that God is so Good - that his wife was with Jesus...and they could still celebrate the fact that Jesus is God's Son...God's gift to us...
because despite the circumstances we face - God is still worthy of all our praise.

And it's a hard concept to grasp - the idea that despite everything...they could raise their hands in worship and really...REALLY praise God!

I think it gave me a picture of what true worship is...
the ability to raise your hands toward Heaven...to close your eyes and just basque in the glory of God!!

I know most days I walk into church...I've got a thousand things on my mind...
and really...I'm lucky to really give 75% of myself in worship....that might even be generous
I sometimes close my eyes....
I never raise my hands in worship.


When Jeremy Camp recounted the story of his wife's death and his family worshipping in the hospital waiting room...he talked about how he couldn't raise his hands in worship. He could barely stand...
but his dad talked about the freedom of letting go - of giving to God everything...
and so he raised his hands in worship - and he said the feeling was like none other...the weight just lifted...

If I really gave my all in worship...would it be like Isaiah coming face-to-face with God in the temple?
Can I really expect to meet God when I'm unwilling/unable to give my all to him?
Does giving my all = raising my hands in worship? - I think it does...especially when it's self-consciousness that hold me back...

Isaiah knew he was a broken man...and it wasn't until he admitted that...it wasn't until he claimed his weaknesses that God could really use him.


All of this spilled out of my heart tonight...driving home - 60 mph on the 2-lane highway from Cincinnati on US-27 South. And the song became my prayer...on repeat for an hour...my prayer to God that I could let go...that the Spirit would grab hold...and I'd experience the freedom of coming face-to-face with God the Father!

Captivate

Starfield

You say strength is found in weakness
Peace in incompleteness
So why do I hold on?

You look for a heart that's open
For beauty in the broken
So why am I withdrawn?

My soul's screaming out
To be found in You

Spirit draw me to my knees
Captivate all of me, all of me
Here before you honestly
Captivate all of me, all of me

I'm so messy and distracted
Undisciplined and tactless
Here on the inside
I thought age would tell the secrets
but the secrets are still secret
and the years are passing by

My soul's screaming out
To be found in You

Spirit draw me to my knees
Captivate all of me, all of me
Here before You honestly
Captivate all of me, all of me

Teach me to wait
In the moments of my need

Teach me to hear
the melodies of peace

Ephesians 2

...by grace you have been saved....
...by grace you have been saved through faith....

he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. For through Him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God.


I kind of wonder why Paul amended that first thought. Why just a few phrases later he adds the final clause..."through faith" -
God's grace is available to all - it's saving Grace...Jesus' act on the cross saved EVERYONE...
but are you truly saved until you believe? are you not saved until you have that faith in God's actions??

Just as I sat down to look at this chapter I had a thought run through my head. I found myself asking, why...if God is so accessible, so near all the time...why, more often than not, do I feel so distant...why does God seem absent???
and then I read this passage about equal access to God the Father through God the Spirit...and I'm wondering if this answers my question.
I remember at the first church camp I ever worked at, there was a carved piece of wood just over the door into the kitchen... I don't remember the exact words, but it pretty much summed up the idea...if God feels far away...it's not because He moved...

So, what do I have to do to feel closer to God??
I go to church...fairly regularly (granted since I've been out of full-time ministry it hasn't been an every week ordeal for me...)
I maintain an attitude of worship and/or prayer fairly consistently...
I admit, my daily Bible reading is a little sparse...okay...up until last week I didn't have a set routine at all...

As I'm sending out resumes to churches, looking for work...I keep reminding myself of the things I've talked about with advisers and mentors over the past year.
One thing that has been hammered into my head is making it a daily habit of spending some time in quiet, with God - one-on-one. It not only offers me time for myself to think and grow as a Christian...but will help keep my head in the game...
So, that's what I'm working on.

I'm not sure why I chose Ephesians as the book to get me back in the game...
and honestly...I kind of feel like reading the Bible is almost like a good luck charm or something...superstitious or something...thinking, if I do this...maybe I'll get a job - like if my minds right...things will fall into place.
And - I have to pull myself back...because...God's NOT a good luck charm.
The cross I wear around my neck is not a rabbit's foot to be rubbed...it's not a four-leaf clover...

It's a symbol of the Truth I hold onto...the fact that God's love trumps everything in my life...

So...where does this leave me...

I want my relationship with God to feel real. I want my relationship to be more than just the hour a week I spend at church, or the two hour commute in my car listening to worship music...
I want to FEEL something...
I remember writing a blog a couple years ago about the feeling I used to get on Easter morning...a feeling that everything is different because of what Jesus did on the cross....
and the feeling I'd get at Christmas...a childish sense that everything is perfect...special...and new
It's been a while since I've had that feeling...that shiver up my spine...that childish sense of wonder and awe...
I want to regain that feeling...that feeling of Easter and Christmas morning...that the world's new...the world's different...special somehow...

It's been too long!

Thanksgiving and Prayer

Ephesians 1: 15-22
For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.

There's something completely ungraspable about this concept - God - with immeasurble greatness, has given believers a glorious inheritance (the Holy Spirit and the promise of eternity)...and all this is given in Jesus Christ - the One far above all earthly powers and rulers -

and it's ours...simply be believing and accepting it as truth...

um....WOW!

Paul's got a way with words, too....by the way.

Ephesians 1:1-14

Paul's probably one of my favorite writers of the New Testament - maybe it's the way he just lets it all hang out - just tells it like it is!
I'm thinking more Christians today need to adopt Paul's way of doing things - regarding lifestyle and theology (and ways of expressing views/beliefs)

I particularly love how Paul opens his letters - especially in Ephesians - as he blesses the reader (in this case the church of Ephesus) - but also realizing that this blessing stretches so much further than to the addressed church.
Paul's words stretching to the Church Universal - reminding believers to whom they really belong - reminding the reader that - by simply reading the word and believing - we've been signed, sealed, and delivered to the Father!

In Him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

I recently purchased an ESV study Bible - and this is what it says about verse 13 (the italicized portion)
"Sealed can mean either that the Holy Spirit protects and preserves Christians until they reach their inheritance (Eph 4:30; 2 Cor 1:22; 1 Peter 1:5; Rev 7: 2-3) or that he 'certifies' the authenticity of their acceptance by God as being genuine - they bear the 'royal seal' (John 3:33; Acts 10:44, 47)"

I love the idea of a royal seal - given specifically by God - we're marked as His - as belonging specifically to God the Father - and we can't be touched!
Now, I don't think...I KNOW that doesn't mean there won't be times of trial...there won't be hard times...that Satan won't just step back and be hands off -
maybe it means - Satan just attacks harder - maybe it means we're more prone to attack because of who we're fighting for...
i don't know...

Paul doesn't say we're immune because of our "mark" - he does say it's a sign of the promise we're given for eternity - of our inheritance in the Kingdom - this seal...this "royal seal" is what guarantees us that inheritance - without it we get nothing...

I think it's interesting that this seal...this mark...isn't really a mark...but is the Holy Spirit - as promised by Jesus before he ascended...the Holy Spirit - the third entity of the trinity...the Comforter...
Jesus promised He'd not leave us alone - knowing Satan still prowled the earth - no way He'd leave us alone...

sometimes it's hard to believe...it's not a surprising statement I don't think.
Just on Sunday I was remembering a children's message I heard when I was a kid...our preacher talked about the wind - you can't see it, but you can feel it...you know when the wind is blowing because you see the trees moving...
God's the same way - you can't see him...but you can feel Him...you can see His effects on the world...just like the wind.
When the wind blows we can know God is working, too.

I couldn't have been any older than 8 years old when I heard this message - and 20 years later it still sticks with me...
I guess maybe it's because it's the first thing I could really hold on to as a promise that God was there...

The Holy Spirit - my wind in the trees - works without being seen...I can feel when the Holy Spirit moves...I can see the effects of the Holy Spirit's work...
and the fact that this magnificent thing was promised so long ago...and is still working today...
it's incredible...
I can't wrap my mind around it...
but I feel my heart swelling with the overwhelming magnitude of it all.

Through the Motions

The Motions
Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything,instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

I heard about this kid who posted Matthew West's lyrics on his facebook as a daily reminder to live a life of meaning - to not just go through the motions of a Christian life - but to be intentional about the actions he takes, to find meaning and purpose in it all - and to put his whole heart into it.

Several years ago, as I worked a summer at camp, I had to make this my prayer every day - not to go through the motions as a staff member - not to just push for the weekend, but to make each day worthwhile - to be a living example to the campers I worked with...

The same thing popped up a couple years ago as I worked in full-time ministry - the struggle to make my ministry a real tool for Christ, to make my life a shining example of Christ's love - to worship God to the fullest...

so many times in ministry (and even in my walk with Christ in general) I find myself just walking through it all...not really putting the effort into it that I need to. I don't read my Bible - and when I do it's a chore...
I don't spend quality time in quiet - away from noise, away from distraction
I worry about _____________

I kind of had a pivotal moment last week...a point in my life (as of late) where I decided to really let God take control of the things I was thinking and doing...
especially when it comes to the job hunt.
I had e-mailed my former senior pastor and spilled the confusion of my heart - basically some stuff about not feeling fulfilled in a menial job (at least assuming I wouldn't feel fulfilled simply because I know there's more to life than working for a paycheck)- about concerns with continuing in full-time ministry (repeating past mistakes)- about really just deciding to step out in faith and wait for God to open a door...

I guess now it's time to follow up on that moment and put more of my faith into action!
It's time to take everything in my heart, time to take all the things I so boldly proclaim to be true and right - and put them into action in my own life.

These lyrics are worth holding onto - are worth claiming as my own prayer for a life of meaning...a life of full personal, one-on-one experiences with the Creator!

Attachment disorder

I waiting for a document to attach to my e-mail...
it's taking forever, and I can't help but wonder what kind of lesson I can pull from this. Not sure there's actually a LESSON to be pulled from attaching a document - especially a document highlighting a restaurant that no longer exists - place is just a parking lot now.

Although it makes me think about my grandfather -
it was his bright idea to feature historic places around Cynthiana in the free monthly/bi-montly catalog of businesses offered in town. Of course, I'm the one writing it up - making sense out of my grandfather's illegible handwriting and wondering if he really has all his facts - and well, let's face it - memories in order.
The man is 87 - sharp as a tac most days - still driving my mom (and everyone else) crazy with his never say die attitude with the family business (don't even get me started on that).
(Five minutes later...still waiting for the attachment to take hold)...

Anyway - my less-than-200-word feature article features the Lemonette Restaurant (something I imagine to be like the diner in Pleasantville or Back to the Future) - kids in their poodle skirts coming in on a Friday night ordering burgers and a cherry coke - dancing to whatever song is playing on the juke box - greasers greasing their hair, hitting the pinball machine a little too hard (ignoring the warnings of the fountain attendant to keep their hands off the glass)...
(still attaching)
Makes me nostalgic for the days I never knew...or at least makes me want to watch Pleasantville (or at least an episode of Leave it to Beaver or something).

Kids these days...they don't know what they're missin'.
(I'm giving up on the attachment)

true calling

Did a lot of thinking today - mostly about where I'm headed.
For months I've been thinking I'm not meant for full-time church ministry - yet it's exactly to full-time church ministry that I feel myself drawn.
I've sent out my first serious inquiry into a job in South Carolina. It's an associate position for high school ministry - which is exciting and intriguing.

See, all this time I've been thinking about full-time writing - writing for a magazine, or as of late, developing curriculum (Bible studies for youth ministry). And I get so excited thinking about writing - I get so excited thinking about what I want to do in developing curriculum based off Christian music...but I don't even know where to begin.
So - what's keeping me back from ministry? It's where all my skills lie - it's a passion I have - it's something I know (or think) I'm good at doing -
so what's keeping me from doing it while pursuing the writing thing?

I e-mailed my former senior pastor tonight, and spilled all of this out (word vomit) and in the process talked myself into it...or made myself see a bit more clearly (of God just clarified things for me).... and so... I'm officially on the hunt again - looking for the right ministry fit for me - a place where I can be the most used - and still grow in my faith!

I think mostly - as far as ministry is concerned my concerns (or fears) lie in the idea of true calling (which I have no doubt ministry is my calling). I'm worred, I guess, that I'll lose heart, that I'll fall into the ruts I fell into last time...
So, I guess it's all an intentional thing - making sure I maintain habits that are healthy for me physically, socially, and spiritually...
this time around, I know what to do - know the steps I need to take to make sure I'm at my best, so I can best minister to the teens with whom I work.

There's a peace I feel in this - a feeling of assurance -
it's the feeling I LOVE - in knowing I'm within God's will!