Reason Enough - EH&SSQ

It's interesting what a week of NOT worrying can do for the soul -






today I got an e-mail from this production company that "thinks I'm a good fit for their company" - it's a 10-month opportunity to travel the country setting up and tearing down monster screens for school assemblies. I thought it sounded like an interesting opportunity, but I felt like I was running from my problems by seriously considering it. So, I'm not going to do it.
I've sent out two more resumes for youth ministry positions, and I'm sending another out tomorrow - Savannah, GA, Wilson, NC, and Alexandria, VA - we'll see what happens.

I'm tired of worrying about it - not like it's doing me any good anyway.
When I'm in the right place, I'll know it - and God will get me there eventually. No worries here! :)

For now...anyway!

passion vs. calling

I have been thinking a lot about this whole writing thing....and ministry thing. Most of this has really been a simmering pot in the back of my mind...and finally last night...and today it's all really started to boil over. Contribute it all to the rejection I got from the church in Detroit. Contribute it to my inability to feel confident about my direction in life. Contribute it to God's unwillingness to have me settle...

I mean, I definitely feel a calling into ministy - there's no question about that. I guess my confusion comes with the form that my ministry will take...is supposed to take.

Now, I've always had a passion for working with teens - but I'm wondering if my passion for Christian music outweighs the passion I have for teens - and if a passion for something is enough to completely chang directions. Everything in me says 'yes.'

(and this is all connected to the writing thing, I promise)

I remember having a discussion with Dr. Budd back in the day about how people place too much emphasis on passion for something - rather than placing importance on calling...
and that morphed into some kind of decision/discussion as to how our calling fits our passions, etc.

Last night - Ernie Haase and Signature Sound came to Lexington - did an amazing! AMAZING!!! concert! I'm totally in my element when it comes to concerts and music that proclaims the Truth of Christ! Great music, people worshipping - there's just something special about it and I'm completely pulled in everytime! The atmosphere, the music, the lifestyle - everything about it appeals to me, my nature, my desires!

At the show last night, before the guys got on stage, I made a passing comment to my mom about representing the group as their writer - taking a job blogging for them, keeping websites updated (facebook, etc.), newsletter writing, etc. (All of this followed a comment my grandfather made - "You'll be up there singing tenor for the group one day" - still not sure what he's thinking...like I have THAT great of a singing voice...barely even good...NOT even good). But, this idea was never something that really ever occurred to me as something that I could or should seriously consider pursuing.
But all day today the idea hasn't left my head.
I've continually asked myself...what if? How could I...???
Is this seriously something I could consider pursuing...and most importantly...HOW could I pursue this?

I've conisidered ministry to youth a calling. And while I've had some experience in the field - I wonder if that's enough to pull me back in? After talking with a professor this past semester, I've come to a new understanding concerning calling - and how not-so-fixed a calling (or the scope of a calling) may be. While I've felt a calling into ministry - I'm STILL not so sure I'm cut out for full-time church ministry.
I mean, a big reason I've taken to applying for church jobs as of late is really to serve as a bridge to a full-time writing career of some sort down the road.

How could I manage to take that bridge and bypass it all together? Where could I begin NOW writing - and feeling like my calling is being fulfilled?

I've always dreamed of working with Christian musicians - traveling, working PR, even just selling merchandise or something... I think the life would be exciting, would be challenging, would really just open so much up for me...
but again...where do I go from here? I mean...I'd hate to think I've had these dreams/desires so long...to think it's all really just a pipe dream. I don't think it is.

So, where do I go from here?

Do I contact artists directly? Do I contact managers? Do I contact record labels? Do I stick with applying for ministry/church jobs and forget this idea as a fleeting moment of starry eyed flappability??
I mean, I don't really want to forget that I JUST spent a year of my life earning a creative writing degree just to go back to something that, while I feel called to some degree, frustrated me on so many levels.

I think I'm just going to decide to go for it - just see what can happen over the next couple weeks.
I mean, the last time I applied for ministry jobs - I sent out at least 10 resumes and NEVER heard from one church. This time around, I've already sent out that many - and maybe a few more. I've had four interviews (2 interviews for 2 different churches - which is further than I got last time btw). I've heard from one that they don't think the fit is right. I'm still waiting to hear from the other church. Just the other day I sent out two more resumes for church programs (still with the questions to desire/fit/calling running through my head).
So, while I'm looking for that, what's the harm in trying to make contact about some other stuff?
I mean, the best way to discover God's leading is to try ALL the doors, right??

chronic illness...?

can addiction to Christian music ever be a bad thing???

By Your Side
Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
just don't turn away

Why are you lookin' for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?

Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night, whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holdin' you
My hands are holdin' you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in and give you life
I wanna give you life

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holdin' you.
My hands are holdin' you
Here at my side
wherever you've fallen
in the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holdin' you
My hands are holdin' you

Cause I love you
I want you to know
that I love you
I'll never let you go

Cause I'll be by your side
wherver you fall
in the dead of night
whenever you call
please don't fight
these hands that are holding you
my hands are holding you.

I remember back in April...or May...when they were having the Dove awards...and people were voting for the best new artist - I voted for Addison Road. Then I discovered this group - Tenth Avenue North - and instantly wished I could change my vote!
This group is pretty amazing...thoughtful...insightful lyrics...passionate...

definitely worth the risk of addiction...

And an excellent reminder for me right now...
a great way to keep me focused...to keep my purpose and desires to please God front and center...
and when I'm frustrated...well...God's there the whole time...
because this isn't exactly a stress-free/worry-free time for me...despite the lack of responsibility -
I'm feeling the stress of everyone around me -

-a father who wants more and fears losing everything he's worked for
-a mother feeling pressure from aging parents, a husband with his nose deep in the reality of finacial inadequacy, and a son unwilling to act his age
-a brother unwilling to manage his priorities of family and finances responsibly
-a dwindling savings account and school loans coming back into repayment
-a desire to help, but fear that I may have to stop the things I'm most passionate about - ie. sponsoring my Compassion Child

Let It Go
Tenth Avenue North

I've been holdin' on so tight
Look at these knuckles they've gone white
I'm fighting for who I want to be
I'm just trying to find security

But you say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go

Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring
So tell me what do You want from me

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say You will be everything i need
You say if I lose my life its' then I'll find my sould
You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if i bend?
What if i break?
What will it cost?
What will it take for you to save my soul?

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say You will be everythign I need
You say if i lose my life it's then I find my soul
You say let it go
You say let it go...

So-
Lord,
Take my worries - take my concerns...
Bring peace into my life!

What if I'm not what they think?

I've been thinking about something a friend of mine told me last week -
It all started when we were talking about writing, and what it means to be a Christian writer/reader. There are some things we read as literature students and sometimes find ourselves wondering if it's something we really should be reading. Or sometimes we end up writing something - we start developing characters - and we wonder if we should really go any further with them.

I wrote a story this last semester - not something new for me...really. The character started out as a drug addict waking up in a girl's apartment with memory of who she was or how he got there. I started second guessing myself as a Christian - wondering if it was really something I should delve into (one, not really knowing the lifestyle and two, exposing myself to some not-so-Christ-like-things). I ended up changing the character a little...instead of being an actual drug addict - he "faked" it. And while he woke up in the girl's apartment - he had driven her home as her savior...
Ultimately I liked where the character went n the story...I like that he was more of the stand-up guy...especially being that he was an undercover cop....

All this to say...
we got into the discussion about what we expose our minds to....and it lead to a discussion of how writing in a Christian college - trying to develop characters truthfully is hard. Especially when you have professors limiting you to what she wants in a story. Granted there was only one rule - NO BLASPHEMY!!
I can live with that...
But...in the same story mentioned above...I have my character exclaiming on several occasions..."Oh my God!"
Or in other stories...teenage girls "Oh my GAWD!!!!"...
You get the point.
Try having a professor scratch that out and in big letters write - My Big No! No! No Blasphemy! (Which gets us talking more about what is it okay to write...is it okay to cuss in a story if the character would? What does that say about me as a writer??)

But ultimately this all leads my friend and me into the discussion of - is it blasphemy or is it taking the Lord's name in vain (which is what I've always been told it is.)
I've always thought blasphemy is denouncing Christ as the Son of God - rejecting the Holy Spirit...

Now, I've come to consider my friend to be quite educated and knowledgeable - more so than I am about Greek and what Scripture REALLY says...as some meaning has gotten lost in translation...
I mean...all my life - I've NEVER been one to use God's name casually...I don't typically make exclamations using God's name...
it's just not what I do.
But my friend starts talking about her understanding about what it means to take the Lord's name in vain.

Basically, she says, it's taking God's name - saying you belong to God...and not living up to it. It's saying that your a Christian and not living like it. It's saying you're a child of God and not acting like one.

And for almost a week now, I've had to take a step back and think about everything I do....everything I say...
and man...I suck!!!
I mean...if I say I'm a Christian...if I say I belong to God...shouldn't I be acting like it? Shouldn't I make more time to read my Bible? Shouldn't I make more time for daily worship?

So, why don't I?

When it comes to all of the stuff I've talked about here - I'm not so sure writing a story about a drug addict is so bad - I mean, it doesn't make me a drug addict...
or writing a character who cusses isn't wrong...especially if it's a character that has some kind of moral turnaround...
it all serves a purpose...

But what I have to think about - with my writing...or even my reading...
Does what I write cause people to stumble in their walk with God?
Does what I'm reading cause me to grow closer are stray farther from God?

I'm not saying I'm turning my back on Literature...there's no way I could do that...
but I can be careful about what I choose to expose my mind and heart to.

As I've been done with school I haven't taken the time to write like I thought I would. I haven't done ANY writing.
I've read the final book and a half of Harry Potter. I've read the Twilight series. I've watched dozens of movies and hours of TV. I've had two job interviews and I have two follow-up interviews later this week.
There's obviously time in my day to offer God my undivided attention - to learn to put my thoughts and beliefs into action...

I guess what I'm trying to say is...
I've got these interviews...I'm telling people what I believe, where I stand with my faith...
so...why am I not doing something about...
what if I'm not the person I'm presenting...What if I'm not what they think?

Almira's singing her original song 'Chillax' - Lexington, KY, United States, 40511 - Oprah's Search for the most talented kid Video - Is it your kid?

Last night at church - Almira came in to sing her original song - amazing talent!!


Almira's singing her original song 'Chillax' - Lexington, KY, United States, 40511 - Oprah's Search for the most talented kid Video - Is it your kid?

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Expressions of Your Love

Just saw this video on the Gospel Music Channel - pretty sweet!

3-hour thinkfest

There's a reason I love long drives - the three-hour drive I made to Lancaster, OH today is no exception - driving gives me time - time to think, time to pray, time to worship, time to just be...
and it's wonderful.

So I'm driving - and it's not until I'm back in northern Kentucky (just after 10pm) that I'm struck by a flood of thoughts...emotions...i can't really explain it. It's one of those moments that...I'm listening to a song - I've heard it a thousand times before - and suddenly...it all hits home...it all makes sense. The words sink in and grab hold...and something in me stirs....something in me changes.

Tonight - as I'm curving my way back home listening to Starfield's "Beauty in the Broken" album, the song "Captivate" comes on... and it happens.
Suddenly, the words from my pastor this past weekend mean something more...suddenly the passage in Isaiah from which he preached means more...suddenly EVERYTHING means more.

Isaiah 6: 1-8

In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one called to another and said:
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts;
the whole earth is full of his glory!"
And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said: "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!"
Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth and sad: "Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for."
And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "Here am I! Send me."

At church Saturday night, the pastor took this passage - tore it apart - and talked about how people walk into church and never really expect to meet God. They don't expect a face-to-face meeting like Isaiah had in the temple...
and he raised the question... What would happen...what would change if we walked into church expecting a REAL encounter with God? Would our worship change? Would we change?

So, I'm listening to Starfield and the words just bring all this back up -
I begin questioning so many things!
- what's pulling me away from true worship?
- why can't I give more in worship?
- why can't I experience God the way Isaiah did?
- why can't I FEEL what I believe?

And it's not like the answers really came - it's not like I was flooded with overwhelming certainty - or step-by-step instructions on how to experience God...
but I came to an understanding...

Last week I watched an episode of Faith and Fame on the Gospel Music Channel (It's all Gospel) - and the show featured a profile on Jeremy Camp's life and calling into music ministry. As I've seen Jeremy in concert several times - his testimony wasn't really a surprise -
what did surprise me...and what nearly drew me to tears was the story that followed his testimony of how he dealt with the death of his first wife.
They'd just gotten back from their honeymoon and discovered that her cancer had returned and there was no way to treat it. The day she died - Jeremy and his family sang praises to Jesus - rejoiced in the fact that God is so Good - that his wife was with Jesus...and they could still celebrate the fact that Jesus is God's Son...God's gift to us...
because despite the circumstances we face - God is still worthy of all our praise.

And it's a hard concept to grasp - the idea that despite everything...they could raise their hands in worship and really...REALLY praise God!

I think it gave me a picture of what true worship is...
the ability to raise your hands toward Heaven...to close your eyes and just basque in the glory of God!!

I know most days I walk into church...I've got a thousand things on my mind...
and really...I'm lucky to really give 75% of myself in worship....that might even be generous
I sometimes close my eyes....
I never raise my hands in worship.


When Jeremy Camp recounted the story of his wife's death and his family worshipping in the hospital waiting room...he talked about how he couldn't raise his hands in worship. He could barely stand...
but his dad talked about the freedom of letting go - of giving to God everything...
and so he raised his hands in worship - and he said the feeling was like none other...the weight just lifted...

If I really gave my all in worship...would it be like Isaiah coming face-to-face with God in the temple?
Can I really expect to meet God when I'm unwilling/unable to give my all to him?
Does giving my all = raising my hands in worship? - I think it does...especially when it's self-consciousness that hold me back...

Isaiah knew he was a broken man...and it wasn't until he admitted that...it wasn't until he claimed his weaknesses that God could really use him.


All of this spilled out of my heart tonight...driving home - 60 mph on the 2-lane highway from Cincinnati on US-27 South. And the song became my prayer...on repeat for an hour...my prayer to God that I could let go...that the Spirit would grab hold...and I'd experience the freedom of coming face-to-face with God the Father!

Captivate

Starfield

You say strength is found in weakness
Peace in incompleteness
So why do I hold on?

You look for a heart that's open
For beauty in the broken
So why am I withdrawn?

My soul's screaming out
To be found in You

Spirit draw me to my knees
Captivate all of me, all of me
Here before you honestly
Captivate all of me, all of me

I'm so messy and distracted
Undisciplined and tactless
Here on the inside
I thought age would tell the secrets
but the secrets are still secret
and the years are passing by

My soul's screaming out
To be found in You

Spirit draw me to my knees
Captivate all of me, all of me
Here before You honestly
Captivate all of me, all of me

Teach me to wait
In the moments of my need

Teach me to hear
the melodies of peace