Conversations on paper

I have made mistakes and I have been afraid - I have felt alone - Then you called my name - Things were crashing loudly - Happening all around me -But you´re still small voice Was all that I could hear - I am here - I´m holding you - You´ll make it through this - I am here I am here - Whenever you run away - whenever you lose you´re faith - It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page -A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see a beautiful history - Well I have been such a fool when I have known the truth - I´ve wasted so much time Doing what I want to do -I´ve been living solely for myself and myself only - but your still small voice is whispering -Whenever you run away - whenever you lose you´re faith - It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page - A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see a beautiful history - I toss and turn and scream - I try to do everything with two feet on the ground - I just keep falling down again - I feel so far from home -Completely on my own - and then I hear you say - I am here I am here - Whenever you run away - whenever you lose you´re faith - It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page - A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see
a beautiful history


It's a scary thought - willfully giving EVERYTHING over to be used by God. This past weekend I heard Donald Miller speak about ideas presented in his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and it seems it's taken me this long to really process it all. But one thing he really talked about - apart from living a story worthy of the One who wrote us into being - was about really working on a relationship with God - and not just a static realtionship, but one where we carry on conversation, where we invite God into our lives to actively participate.

I have to agree with Don - if we're waiting for God to step in and dictate every action - we're going to be waiting a while. Our relationship with God is more of a suggestion than a dictation... I guess.

In all of this - it got me thinking about how I've been waiting on God for a year now... I've been waiting for God to put me in a job, to tell me where He wants me to go...and obviously it's not working out!
I've been passive - waiting for the push in the right direction.

One part of Don's "sermon" that really hit me - the conversation with God idea - it's not new to me. I remember Jim Burgen preaching the same concept/idea at 608 services when I was in college - the whole idea of inviting God into our daily lives.
But the idea that God wants us to be happy - that God created us to desire companionship - that God created us WITH DESIRES...
He talked about the "job hunt" in a way - making it sound more like God asking us..."well, what do you like???" "Where do YOU want to go??"

The idea that as long as I bring God glory is all well and good - but how much glory can you bring God from the living room sofa??

I don't think I'm making myself very clear - I've got all of this stuff in my head...and I can't seem to get it out - it's a little frustrating. But, I have this feeling - that maybe I should be a little more proactive in my search for God's purpose in my life - or maybe I mean My Purpose in God's story....

Sitting at the jewelry store isn't really something I desire...and I feel like God's waiting for me to do something...
I feel like...maybe God's sitting back...waiting for me to get a clue....
I don't know

I'm sitting here not knowing what to do - wanting to know what God wants me to do - and the whole time God's asking me what do YOU want to do. He's put passions in my heart - desires for creativity, for music, for writing, for reading, for relational ministry, for mission work, for outreach...
and i have all these things i'd love to do - but I'm scared.
I have thoughts and dreams...and I feel like I'm waiting for God to do something so I can do something...but it doesn't seem to be working out. I want to go places, I want to meet new people, I want to travel, I want to learn to play music, to be someone I used to be and never really was...all at the same time.
I want God to direct me...
but maybe I'm waiting for something that isn't going to come.

I've played with ideas - grad school (seminary, MFA programs...), local part-time jobs, local full-time jobs...none of it seems right. My desires...my wants don't fit -
I had an idea - something kinda huge - something I'm too afraid to put out in writing - to vocalize - because...if I do it'll make it real...it'll make it something that may have to get done...and I may have to do it. And maybe God has given me the idea because I'm the only one who can do it - or I know the people who can help me do it...but if it's even a real option to consider...it's frightening. And as much as I want to feel like Lucy Pevensie in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (I think I can be brave enough!)I feel more like Lucy in Prince Caspian (I wish I was braver!)

Saturday night, after Donald spoke, the worship team came out and sang a song - it's that song that I've posted above and below - "Beautiful History" by Plumb. It spoke volumes to me that night - and tonight as I heard it in the car driving home. It just seems to hit me where I am right now - that scared - wanna be brave - don't know where to begin - kinda place... That place between know where I need to go but not knowing how to get there - that place between feeling alone, but knowing that I'm never alone...that place where living a story means having to write one, but not having the words to describe it

Good Intentions?

I thought it'd be good to do a second February post, though I'm still not sure what may result of it - don't really have anything particular in mind to say.
I take that back...

I guess it really needs to start with the motivation for this post -
a friend of mine in Northern Ireland is talking about starting a blog, and several suggestions were given her - xanga, blogger...the usuals. (and for some reason I just said 'usuals' with a fake NY accent...like Jack Kelly in Newsies...) But it got me to thinking about how irregular I am in updating my blog.

Mom and I watched "Julie and Julia" a couple weeks ago - and it renewed in me a desire to be read, to write something that touches people, that gets people reading. The excitement of being read is contagious...and whatever I've tried doing as a writer seems sooooo inconsistent.
I don't blog regularly...at least not consistently (which I guess is the same thing) - and when I do they're ramblings and spiritual whinings - which isn't a bad thing, I guess. And, what few comments I've gotten have really boosted my confidence - but I'm a lot like Julie (the movie Julie) in that I'm looking for comments from people I don't know...I don't want my mom being the only reader/commenter-giver on my blog...or reader of my stories to always tell me the same thing...'it's good.' I want strangers across the country to latch on to what I'm saying....I want REAL feedback, constructive criticism...something I can build on
I want my words to mean something...

All that gets me to the point that my words can't mean anything if I'm not writing. I just finished Donald Miller's book, and for the last few chapters he talked about how hard it is to make himself write. And I guess the same thing is true for me...and he says it's probably true for most writers. (pardon the cliche) It's like pulling teeth to write, sometimes...It's hard to get a character to do something...or in my case with blogging - it's hard to write about the abundance of NOTHING going on in my life right now.
But, I keep remembering that to be a writer, I HAVE to write something.

Taking into account the lack of writing I've done lately, especially of the fiction genre - my status as a writer is waning. I remember an interview with John Grisham a couple years ago - he talked about having to write a little EVERY day, or the book will never get written. It's like anything, you have to train yourself to write a little every day, or you'll never do it.

It's been in all the advice I've gotten from other writers, too - write, write, write - Tweet, Blog.... keep networking, keep making contacts...eventually you'll get out there.

I've never been a patient person -
Keeps coming up with the job situation...I apply for a job - I want to know NOW what's going on. This waiting for a month, then waiting for two weeks...then another two weeks is KILLING me!!
I guess the same thing affects me in my writing...I'm tired of putting forth an effort and seeing little-to-no result from it. (And here I go again, whining...)

I guess I just need to be more intentional about finding something to write about - start taking notes on things I see each day - or something...