The Words I Would Say

Sometimes the words I need to hear don't come from the people I really need to hear them from...but God still has a way of getting the words to me....

Today they came in a song by Sidewalk Prophets...

The Words I Would Say

Three in the morning, and I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I'd say
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

Chorus
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are
I know 'cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths

Chorus

Say from one simple life to another
I will say come find peace in the Father
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things I already know
God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say

because even I sometimes struggle with self-doubt and wonder if I'm really doing all I can to follow God's will. Sometimes I just need the affirmation that I'm doing okay...that the people around me are proud of what I'm doing - that my struggles aren't in vain...

I can't possibly imagine...

For months I've been struggling with feelings...
depression
hopelessness
sadness
dispair

it's kind of freakin' me out, right now. All through Christmas I struggled to feel "right." I'd lost the joy and excitement I'd felt in years past, the pure joy of anticipation that seemed to take hold the closer Christmas day got. (I don't know how many times I listened to the song "Christmas Like a Child" - I want to feel Christmas, how it used to be, with all of it's wonder falling on me...)

I think what scares me the most about the lack-of-emotion I've been feeling lately is the thought that it could be permanent.
I think what gives me hope, though, is that I don't want it to be permanent. I don't want this empty feeling to continue.

I asked my dad last month if he felt excited at Christmas time or if it just disappears the older you get.
I don't really remember his answer...I just know this year was different. I just...didn't have that feeling.

It reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in the movie "Wide Awake" - Joshua is in the toy store talking about the magic he used to experience. He talks about how there used to be magic, but all he sees now is plastic and paint...and wonders if he'll still remember the magic when he's an adult.

I'm not just talking about Christmas magic. There's something lacking in my spiritual life as a whole...there's a feeling...something that I can't find where I am right now. I'm not sure changing my routine would even help.
It's like I need a spiritual anti-depressant...

Church just doesn't feel like home. There's a lack of something...there's a lack of warmth...there's a lack of energy and passion in me...and it's wearing me out.

and as if God's calling out - this song comes on the radio...

He Will Carry Me - Mark Schultz

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me


And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

Life's perpetual Stillness...

So, I realize the whole idea of keeping a blog...the whole point is to actually utilize it...I mean, the whole idea for this was for me to write down some thoughts, maybe brainstorm with some creative writing...or something.
I've failed...and failed dismally, if I do say so myself - and I do.

I can't help it really - given my current situation. It seems repetitive and redundant to write day-in-and-day-out about the massive amounts of NOTHING going on in my life right now. I mean, at least right now it feels like nothing. I guess maybe a year down the road (assuming I'm actually employed and thriving at that time) I'll look back at this "dark night of the soul period of my life" and really see how God has worked and shaped me into someone new and more mature.
But, seriously...right now I got nothin' - my mind is a blank void of empty nothingness.

I can't even get myself past the nothingness to actually write on this novel I've been telling everyone I'm writing. I'm in the same place I was back in May when I finished school. It's pretty ridiculous, really. The fact that I've been sitting around for five months now and haven't done a thing with my writing.
Dr. Hurlow would just shake her head at me. Dr. Brown would be so disappointed....

Actually - I haven't exactly done nothing. I did get five new pages "written" for chapter three!! I say "written" because it was already written...like over a year ago - I just copied and pasted it into a new document and did some proofing....and some major deleting and editing...

I'm kind of in crisis mode, though. I keep putting it off hoping I really won't have to resort to it...hoping that God is really going to work some of His majic and find me a job before I resort to desperate measures... ie. cashiering...
I'm so afraid to go back to cashiering! I have to admit it. I really....really....REALLY don't want to cashier again.
I keep trying to make a tally of how much money I have, how long I can keep scraping by with my loan payments - how much longer I can go without actually earning a paycheck...and it's getting scary.
If I keep it up - my savings will be gone and when it does get time for me to move out...I'll have no money to set myself up.
I'm sure I can wait a couple more weeks, really...I mean, I have a feeling if I go to Ken's and talk with someone, I'd be able to get a job fairly easily (assuming they're hiring any more people). But, the thought of wearing that stupid red smock again is demeaning...it terrifies me...regardless of how temporary the job may be.
I hate the idea of getting back on at Ken's and then finding a job within a couple weeks...okay...maybe it's more of an ideal situation...but, still...
and the thought of working at Wal-Mart is even more terrifying...

Don't ask me why.

I really just want things to fall into place already. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of waiting for God to make His move. I feel like I'm doing all the work here...working to keep faith...working to stay positive with the idea that my place in ministry is out there. I'm tired...I'm poor...and I'm really sick of feeling like a kid.
I go everywhere with my parents.
I don't have a car.
I'm completely dependent...and it sucks.

Yeah - remember the other day when I said I kinda missed high school...at least the whole idea of not having to worry about debt...and all the crappy adult stuff...
forget it! I miss adulthood....I miss having control over the things I should have control over!

I've neglected my Compassion Sponsor child for four months now because I haven't had the money to pay - and now I'm going to have to neglect her for Christmas! I FAIL!!!
If I drop out...will Compassion take me back as a sponsor when I DO get a job? I mean...if they don't, wouldn't that kind of be going against who they say they are??
I should probably contact them and let them know what's going on. I wanted to cry the other day because I got a letter from my kid in the Phillipines...and she asked me if I ever planned to make a visit...
What do I say to her???

The only bright spot in my life as of late?? Paperbackswap.com!! Free book exchanges!!! I've gotten 50 some books for FREE because I give mine away!!! It's freakin' amazing!!! Although...I'm completely in the book-collecting stage of things right now. I'm totally working toward the reading part of it, though. I, again, feel like a failer, though...simply because with all this time - I've still managed to take two months to read one book!!

I soooo suck right now!!

I will NOT use my faith like a lucky charm

I had some thoughts...but can't seem to put them into words right now.
I try not to post just because things don't seem to be going my way - but it's during those times I tend to find the need to write.

I'm not even sure that things are really as bad as I think they are...because hind sight usually has me seeing better than before...

Back to the whole idea of testing the waters...trying all the doors to see if one opens...
okay, I can't think of any other metaphors for this job hunt thing...
anyway - I applied to be an admissions counselor at Asbury. I saw the job posting on the school website a few weeks ago. I ignored it then. But last week I checked back and decided to fill out the application.
I got all excited thinking I was perfect for the job - thinking I had a lot to bring to the table...
today I check the website and see the job has been taken off the site - so my first conclusion is that the job has been filled.
So, I start getting all downcast, and hard-hearted... I'm starting to think God's got it out for me...like a huge practical joke or something...
He's just loving the struggle I'm having right now...

Nevermind the e-mail I got this morning from a church in New Jersey about wanting to schedule an interview with me for a youth ministry position. Nevermind the e-mail I got from the editor of Interlinc curriculum telling me he'd love me to volunteer as a writer for them - that I have a gift for communicating through the written word...
nevermind all that...

My brain sticks with the idea that my comfort may be disrupted - that I may not have a job at Asbury like I was picturing for myself...

So, tonight - after a day of contemplation with this job in NJ - I e-mailed the committee to schedule an interview for next week. I'm so tired of feeling like everything I feel qualified for...everything I feel like I'm doing in seeking God's will...just isn't enough.

And then it got me thinking about something else...
the idea that my quiet time with God isn't so routine...is more like a rabbit's foot when things seem to turn around just a little.
My faith is not something that can be turned on and off in good times and bad...
my faith is not something I can put on the back burner and leave simmering when I'm tired, or frustrated, or....

my faith is what makes me...my trusting in Christ to pull me through the muck is what defines me as a person.
Just because I don't pull my Bible out every night to read doesn't mean I believe any less.

i try to maintain a constant attitude of prayer. I try to maintain a mindset that would be pleasing to God -
I fill my head and heart with music I feel worships and praises the God of Creation...
I surround myself with people that not only support me and believe in what I believe...but also help to challenge me and urge me to grow in that faith.

So, why is it so easy to use my faith like a lucky charm?? Why do I tend to neglect the Bible sitting by my bedside??

I read on the Asbury site that Dr. Brown is on the committee to produce a C.S. Lewis study Bible - a Bible with excerpts from Lewis' writing to aid in understanding and study!
There's another Bible set to be released this year (I think) written by people all over the country - actually printed in human handwriting. Some company went around the country and had people sign up for verses...each verse is written by someone different.

Why do we need these (gimmicks?) to urge people to read the Word of God???

Reason Enough - EH&SSQ

It's interesting what a week of NOT worrying can do for the soul -






today I got an e-mail from this production company that "thinks I'm a good fit for their company" - it's a 10-month opportunity to travel the country setting up and tearing down monster screens for school assemblies. I thought it sounded like an interesting opportunity, but I felt like I was running from my problems by seriously considering it. So, I'm not going to do it.
I've sent out two more resumes for youth ministry positions, and I'm sending another out tomorrow - Savannah, GA, Wilson, NC, and Alexandria, VA - we'll see what happens.

I'm tired of worrying about it - not like it's doing me any good anyway.
When I'm in the right place, I'll know it - and God will get me there eventually. No worries here! :)

For now...anyway!

passion vs. calling

I have been thinking a lot about this whole writing thing....and ministry thing. Most of this has really been a simmering pot in the back of my mind...and finally last night...and today it's all really started to boil over. Contribute it all to the rejection I got from the church in Detroit. Contribute it to my inability to feel confident about my direction in life. Contribute it to God's unwillingness to have me settle...

I mean, I definitely feel a calling into ministy - there's no question about that. I guess my confusion comes with the form that my ministry will take...is supposed to take.

Now, I've always had a passion for working with teens - but I'm wondering if my passion for Christian music outweighs the passion I have for teens - and if a passion for something is enough to completely chang directions. Everything in me says 'yes.'

(and this is all connected to the writing thing, I promise)

I remember having a discussion with Dr. Budd back in the day about how people place too much emphasis on passion for something - rather than placing importance on calling...
and that morphed into some kind of decision/discussion as to how our calling fits our passions, etc.

Last night - Ernie Haase and Signature Sound came to Lexington - did an amazing! AMAZING!!! concert! I'm totally in my element when it comes to concerts and music that proclaims the Truth of Christ! Great music, people worshipping - there's just something special about it and I'm completely pulled in everytime! The atmosphere, the music, the lifestyle - everything about it appeals to me, my nature, my desires!

At the show last night, before the guys got on stage, I made a passing comment to my mom about representing the group as their writer - taking a job blogging for them, keeping websites updated (facebook, etc.), newsletter writing, etc. (All of this followed a comment my grandfather made - "You'll be up there singing tenor for the group one day" - still not sure what he's thinking...like I have THAT great of a singing voice...barely even good...NOT even good). But, this idea was never something that really ever occurred to me as something that I could or should seriously consider pursuing.
But all day today the idea hasn't left my head.
I've continually asked myself...what if? How could I...???
Is this seriously something I could consider pursuing...and most importantly...HOW could I pursue this?

I've conisidered ministry to youth a calling. And while I've had some experience in the field - I wonder if that's enough to pull me back in? After talking with a professor this past semester, I've come to a new understanding concerning calling - and how not-so-fixed a calling (or the scope of a calling) may be. While I've felt a calling into ministry - I'm STILL not so sure I'm cut out for full-time church ministry.
I mean, a big reason I've taken to applying for church jobs as of late is really to serve as a bridge to a full-time writing career of some sort down the road.

How could I manage to take that bridge and bypass it all together? Where could I begin NOW writing - and feeling like my calling is being fulfilled?

I've always dreamed of working with Christian musicians - traveling, working PR, even just selling merchandise or something... I think the life would be exciting, would be challenging, would really just open so much up for me...
but again...where do I go from here? I mean...I'd hate to think I've had these dreams/desires so long...to think it's all really just a pipe dream. I don't think it is.

So, where do I go from here?

Do I contact artists directly? Do I contact managers? Do I contact record labels? Do I stick with applying for ministry/church jobs and forget this idea as a fleeting moment of starry eyed flappability??
I mean, I don't really want to forget that I JUST spent a year of my life earning a creative writing degree just to go back to something that, while I feel called to some degree, frustrated me on so many levels.

I think I'm just going to decide to go for it - just see what can happen over the next couple weeks.
I mean, the last time I applied for ministry jobs - I sent out at least 10 resumes and NEVER heard from one church. This time around, I've already sent out that many - and maybe a few more. I've had four interviews (2 interviews for 2 different churches - which is further than I got last time btw). I've heard from one that they don't think the fit is right. I'm still waiting to hear from the other church. Just the other day I sent out two more resumes for church programs (still with the questions to desire/fit/calling running through my head).
So, while I'm looking for that, what's the harm in trying to make contact about some other stuff?
I mean, the best way to discover God's leading is to try ALL the doors, right??

chronic illness...?

can addiction to Christian music ever be a bad thing???

By Your Side
Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
just don't turn away

Why are you lookin' for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?

Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night, whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holdin' you
My hands are holdin' you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in and give you life
I wanna give you life

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holdin' you.
My hands are holdin' you
Here at my side
wherever you've fallen
in the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holdin' you
My hands are holdin' you

Cause I love you
I want you to know
that I love you
I'll never let you go

Cause I'll be by your side
wherver you fall
in the dead of night
whenever you call
please don't fight
these hands that are holding you
my hands are holding you.

I remember back in April...or May...when they were having the Dove awards...and people were voting for the best new artist - I voted for Addison Road. Then I discovered this group - Tenth Avenue North - and instantly wished I could change my vote!
This group is pretty amazing...thoughtful...insightful lyrics...passionate...

definitely worth the risk of addiction...

And an excellent reminder for me right now...
a great way to keep me focused...to keep my purpose and desires to please God front and center...
and when I'm frustrated...well...God's there the whole time...
because this isn't exactly a stress-free/worry-free time for me...despite the lack of responsibility -
I'm feeling the stress of everyone around me -

-a father who wants more and fears losing everything he's worked for
-a mother feeling pressure from aging parents, a husband with his nose deep in the reality of finacial inadequacy, and a son unwilling to act his age
-a brother unwilling to manage his priorities of family and finances responsibly
-a dwindling savings account and school loans coming back into repayment
-a desire to help, but fear that I may have to stop the things I'm most passionate about - ie. sponsoring my Compassion Child

Let It Go
Tenth Avenue North

I've been holdin' on so tight
Look at these knuckles they've gone white
I'm fighting for who I want to be
I'm just trying to find security

But you say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go

Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring
So tell me what do You want from me

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say You will be everything i need
You say if I lose my life its' then I'll find my sould
You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if i bend?
What if i break?
What will it cost?
What will it take for you to save my soul?

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say You will be everythign I need
You say if i lose my life it's then I find my soul
You say let it go
You say let it go...

So-
Lord,
Take my worries - take my concerns...
Bring peace into my life!