I can't possibly imagine...

For months I've been struggling with feelings...
depression
hopelessness
sadness
dispair

it's kind of freakin' me out, right now. All through Christmas I struggled to feel "right." I'd lost the joy and excitement I'd felt in years past, the pure joy of anticipation that seemed to take hold the closer Christmas day got. (I don't know how many times I listened to the song "Christmas Like a Child" - I want to feel Christmas, how it used to be, with all of it's wonder falling on me...)

I think what scares me the most about the lack-of-emotion I've been feeling lately is the thought that it could be permanent.
I think what gives me hope, though, is that I don't want it to be permanent. I don't want this empty feeling to continue.

I asked my dad last month if he felt excited at Christmas time or if it just disappears the older you get.
I don't really remember his answer...I just know this year was different. I just...didn't have that feeling.

It reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in the movie "Wide Awake" - Joshua is in the toy store talking about the magic he used to experience. He talks about how there used to be magic, but all he sees now is plastic and paint...and wonders if he'll still remember the magic when he's an adult.

I'm not just talking about Christmas magic. There's something lacking in my spiritual life as a whole...there's a feeling...something that I can't find where I am right now. I'm not sure changing my routine would even help.
It's like I need a spiritual anti-depressant...

Church just doesn't feel like home. There's a lack of something...there's a lack of warmth...there's a lack of energy and passion in me...and it's wearing me out.

and as if God's calling out - this song comes on the radio...

He Will Carry Me - Mark Schultz

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me


And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me