Conversations on paper

I have made mistakes and I have been afraid - I have felt alone - Then you called my name - Things were crashing loudly - Happening all around me -But you´re still small voice Was all that I could hear - I am here - I´m holding you - You´ll make it through this - I am here I am here - Whenever you run away - whenever you lose you´re faith - It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page -A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see a beautiful history - Well I have been such a fool when I have known the truth - I´ve wasted so much time Doing what I want to do -I´ve been living solely for myself and myself only - but your still small voice is whispering -Whenever you run away - whenever you lose you´re faith - It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page - A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see a beautiful history - I toss and turn and scream - I try to do everything with two feet on the ground - I just keep falling down again - I feel so far from home -Completely on my own - and then I hear you say - I am here I am here - Whenever you run away - whenever you lose you´re faith - It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page - A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see
a beautiful history


It's a scary thought - willfully giving EVERYTHING over to be used by God. This past weekend I heard Donald Miller speak about ideas presented in his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and it seems it's taken me this long to really process it all. But one thing he really talked about - apart from living a story worthy of the One who wrote us into being - was about really working on a relationship with God - and not just a static realtionship, but one where we carry on conversation, where we invite God into our lives to actively participate.

I have to agree with Don - if we're waiting for God to step in and dictate every action - we're going to be waiting a while. Our relationship with God is more of a suggestion than a dictation... I guess.

In all of this - it got me thinking about how I've been waiting on God for a year now... I've been waiting for God to put me in a job, to tell me where He wants me to go...and obviously it's not working out!
I've been passive - waiting for the push in the right direction.

One part of Don's "sermon" that really hit me - the conversation with God idea - it's not new to me. I remember Jim Burgen preaching the same concept/idea at 608 services when I was in college - the whole idea of inviting God into our daily lives.
But the idea that God wants us to be happy - that God created us to desire companionship - that God created us WITH DESIRES...
He talked about the "job hunt" in a way - making it sound more like God asking us..."well, what do you like???" "Where do YOU want to go??"

The idea that as long as I bring God glory is all well and good - but how much glory can you bring God from the living room sofa??

I don't think I'm making myself very clear - I've got all of this stuff in my head...and I can't seem to get it out - it's a little frustrating. But, I have this feeling - that maybe I should be a little more proactive in my search for God's purpose in my life - or maybe I mean My Purpose in God's story....

Sitting at the jewelry store isn't really something I desire...and I feel like God's waiting for me to do something...
I feel like...maybe God's sitting back...waiting for me to get a clue....
I don't know

I'm sitting here not knowing what to do - wanting to know what God wants me to do - and the whole time God's asking me what do YOU want to do. He's put passions in my heart - desires for creativity, for music, for writing, for reading, for relational ministry, for mission work, for outreach...
and i have all these things i'd love to do - but I'm scared.
I have thoughts and dreams...and I feel like I'm waiting for God to do something so I can do something...but it doesn't seem to be working out. I want to go places, I want to meet new people, I want to travel, I want to learn to play music, to be someone I used to be and never really was...all at the same time.
I want God to direct me...
but maybe I'm waiting for something that isn't going to come.

I've played with ideas - grad school (seminary, MFA programs...), local part-time jobs, local full-time jobs...none of it seems right. My desires...my wants don't fit -
I had an idea - something kinda huge - something I'm too afraid to put out in writing - to vocalize - because...if I do it'll make it real...it'll make it something that may have to get done...and I may have to do it. And maybe God has given me the idea because I'm the only one who can do it - or I know the people who can help me do it...but if it's even a real option to consider...it's frightening. And as much as I want to feel like Lucy Pevensie in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (I think I can be brave enough!)I feel more like Lucy in Prince Caspian (I wish I was braver!)

Saturday night, after Donald spoke, the worship team came out and sang a song - it's that song that I've posted above and below - "Beautiful History" by Plumb. It spoke volumes to me that night - and tonight as I heard it in the car driving home. It just seems to hit me where I am right now - that scared - wanna be brave - don't know where to begin - kinda place... That place between know where I need to go but not knowing how to get there - that place between feeling alone, but knowing that I'm never alone...that place where living a story means having to write one, but not having the words to describe it

Stress-free Living

I feel like writing...something...anything...
I've been sitting at the computer today, looking at cabins in Gatlinburg - not really because I have a huge desire to go to Gatlinburg, but because my grandfather has decided to take the whole family on a vacation this summer. Doesn't really seem like a vacation to me - but they think it'll be the last time our whole family can get together ...

A vacation is something that takes you AWAY from stress, to a place that doesn't remind of you home...not something that CAUSES stress
A cramped cabin with 20+ people isn't my idea of fun - maybe it used to be...when we all had something more than blood-line in common.

I don't know - it seems to be causing more stress than anything - trying to coordinate schedules for that many people is really a nightmare. I don't know what my job situation will be this summer - so I can't really say with certainity that I can or cannot go.

It's not that I don't love Gatlinburg...and it's not that i don't love my family...there's just a lot of stress that comes with my family. I guess it's the same for most families. It's just that I'm around it ALL THE TIME and I'd really like a vacation to get away from it -
I mean, I keep waiting for a job to get me away from it...just seems backwards to me.

In all actuality I'd prefer a week at the beach with my immediate family to a long weekend in the mountains with everyone. Looking at cottages in Atlantic Beach, NC has me nostalgic for the Outer Banks and the way vacations used to be with my family - when I felt comfortable with my family.
Reading Nicholas Sparks novels doesn't help the situation either -

That's another thing...I've never read a book that uses the setting as well as Sparks does. The setting is practically a character in his book! It's amazing how sensory his novels are - at least it's that way with "The Last Song"
- what I wouldn't give for a job in North Carolina - for a view of the ocean, for a cottage on the beach...
talk about stress-free living!!

what are we doing to be Christ?

I miss church...I really do. I really have no excuse for being absent as long as I have been - laziness, fatigue...I guess it all plays a factor.

Not long ago I had a chat with a good friend about the seemingly-downward trend of the Church. We hear gossip within the walls, we feel cold, we feel....nothing. We see the church not reaching out as it should, but rather focusing inward.

I say "we" because over the last year or so, I've noticed the same trends. It's disheartening...and rather enough to keep me home on a Sunday morning and listen to worship music and podcasts on iTunes. While I don't get the "family" effect at home, I do get the teaching and worship aspects - and in many ways, I get more out of that...and I GIVE more that way, too.

I want to feel at home at church - at what used to be MY church - but I don't. I haven't for a long time, now. And, other than finding a new church, I'm not sure what to do about it.
I keep waiting for a job to get me back into the groove - but I'm not so sure that's really the answer.

I want to see a church that reaches out to the community - intentionally tries to make a difference in the neighborhood. I'm not seeing it, and that's the problem.
What I do see is a church focused inward, on self-improvement, on the people currently in attendance. And while it's necessary to remain focused inward - it can't be the only focus. That's not what church IS -
A church isn't JUST the people in attendance on a Sunday morning!

The church needs a new kitchen - a new stove - to bring it up to code. Sure, safety is an issue, but what other benefits come from updating the appliances? Better potlucks, more successful fundraisers for the youth group?
What about providing a community meal once a week to reach out - and not just a meal where donations are accepted, where there's a Bible study following...but a meal with no strings attached...just a service of love and friendship. What about putting that new stove to some good use??

When the earth shook in Haiti, people reached out - jumped into action. The world showed compassion for a country that couldn't afford to help itself. I had made the comment to a friend - it was great to see the Church being the Church.
I wish it was something we could see everyday.

But is the Church ONLY being the Church when they reach out to third and fourth-world countries? What about the neighbor down the street that can't afford to buy groceries this week? Or the couple across the street that just lost a child?
What is the Church doing for them?