Conversations on paper

I have made mistakes and I have been afraid - I have felt alone - Then you called my name - Things were crashing loudly - Happening all around me -But you´re still small voice Was all that I could hear - I am here - I´m holding you - You´ll make it through this - I am here I am here - Whenever you run away - whenever you lose you´re faith - It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page -A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see a beautiful history - Well I have been such a fool when I have known the truth - I´ve wasted so much time Doing what I want to do -I´ve been living solely for myself and myself only - but your still small voice is whispering -Whenever you run away - whenever you lose you´re faith - It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page - A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see a beautiful history - I toss and turn and scream - I try to do everything with two feet on the ground - I just keep falling down again - I feel so far from home -Completely on my own - and then I hear you say - I am here I am here - Whenever you run away - whenever you lose you´re faith - It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page - A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see
a beautiful history


It's a scary thought - willfully giving EVERYTHING over to be used by God. This past weekend I heard Donald Miller speak about ideas presented in his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and it seems it's taken me this long to really process it all. But one thing he really talked about - apart from living a story worthy of the One who wrote us into being - was about really working on a relationship with God - and not just a static realtionship, but one where we carry on conversation, where we invite God into our lives to actively participate.

I have to agree with Don - if we're waiting for God to step in and dictate every action - we're going to be waiting a while. Our relationship with God is more of a suggestion than a dictation... I guess.

In all of this - it got me thinking about how I've been waiting on God for a year now... I've been waiting for God to put me in a job, to tell me where He wants me to go...and obviously it's not working out!
I've been passive - waiting for the push in the right direction.

One part of Don's "sermon" that really hit me - the conversation with God idea - it's not new to me. I remember Jim Burgen preaching the same concept/idea at 608 services when I was in college - the whole idea of inviting God into our daily lives.
But the idea that God wants us to be happy - that God created us to desire companionship - that God created us WITH DESIRES...
He talked about the "job hunt" in a way - making it sound more like God asking us..."well, what do you like???" "Where do YOU want to go??"

The idea that as long as I bring God glory is all well and good - but how much glory can you bring God from the living room sofa??

I don't think I'm making myself very clear - I've got all of this stuff in my head...and I can't seem to get it out - it's a little frustrating. But, I have this feeling - that maybe I should be a little more proactive in my search for God's purpose in my life - or maybe I mean My Purpose in God's story....

Sitting at the jewelry store isn't really something I desire...and I feel like God's waiting for me to do something...
I feel like...maybe God's sitting back...waiting for me to get a clue....
I don't know

I'm sitting here not knowing what to do - wanting to know what God wants me to do - and the whole time God's asking me what do YOU want to do. He's put passions in my heart - desires for creativity, for music, for writing, for reading, for relational ministry, for mission work, for outreach...
and i have all these things i'd love to do - but I'm scared.
I have thoughts and dreams...and I feel like I'm waiting for God to do something so I can do something...but it doesn't seem to be working out. I want to go places, I want to meet new people, I want to travel, I want to learn to play music, to be someone I used to be and never really was...all at the same time.
I want God to direct me...
but maybe I'm waiting for something that isn't going to come.

I've played with ideas - grad school (seminary, MFA programs...), local part-time jobs, local full-time jobs...none of it seems right. My desires...my wants don't fit -
I had an idea - something kinda huge - something I'm too afraid to put out in writing - to vocalize - because...if I do it'll make it real...it'll make it something that may have to get done...and I may have to do it. And maybe God has given me the idea because I'm the only one who can do it - or I know the people who can help me do it...but if it's even a real option to consider...it's frightening. And as much as I want to feel like Lucy Pevensie in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (I think I can be brave enough!)I feel more like Lucy in Prince Caspian (I wish I was braver!)

Saturday night, after Donald spoke, the worship team came out and sang a song - it's that song that I've posted above and below - "Beautiful History" by Plumb. It spoke volumes to me that night - and tonight as I heard it in the car driving home. It just seems to hit me where I am right now - that scared - wanna be brave - don't know where to begin - kinda place... That place between know where I need to go but not knowing how to get there - that place between feeling alone, but knowing that I'm never alone...that place where living a story means having to write one, but not having the words to describe it

Stress-free Living

I feel like writing...something...anything...
I've been sitting at the computer today, looking at cabins in Gatlinburg - not really because I have a huge desire to go to Gatlinburg, but because my grandfather has decided to take the whole family on a vacation this summer. Doesn't really seem like a vacation to me - but they think it'll be the last time our whole family can get together ...

A vacation is something that takes you AWAY from stress, to a place that doesn't remind of you home...not something that CAUSES stress
A cramped cabin with 20+ people isn't my idea of fun - maybe it used to be...when we all had something more than blood-line in common.

I don't know - it seems to be causing more stress than anything - trying to coordinate schedules for that many people is really a nightmare. I don't know what my job situation will be this summer - so I can't really say with certainity that I can or cannot go.

It's not that I don't love Gatlinburg...and it's not that i don't love my family...there's just a lot of stress that comes with my family. I guess it's the same for most families. It's just that I'm around it ALL THE TIME and I'd really like a vacation to get away from it -
I mean, I keep waiting for a job to get me away from it...just seems backwards to me.

In all actuality I'd prefer a week at the beach with my immediate family to a long weekend in the mountains with everyone. Looking at cottages in Atlantic Beach, NC has me nostalgic for the Outer Banks and the way vacations used to be with my family - when I felt comfortable with my family.
Reading Nicholas Sparks novels doesn't help the situation either -

That's another thing...I've never read a book that uses the setting as well as Sparks does. The setting is practically a character in his book! It's amazing how sensory his novels are - at least it's that way with "The Last Song"
- what I wouldn't give for a job in North Carolina - for a view of the ocean, for a cottage on the beach...
talk about stress-free living!!

what are we doing to be Christ?

I miss church...I really do. I really have no excuse for being absent as long as I have been - laziness, fatigue...I guess it all plays a factor.

Not long ago I had a chat with a good friend about the seemingly-downward trend of the Church. We hear gossip within the walls, we feel cold, we feel....nothing. We see the church not reaching out as it should, but rather focusing inward.

I say "we" because over the last year or so, I've noticed the same trends. It's disheartening...and rather enough to keep me home on a Sunday morning and listen to worship music and podcasts on iTunes. While I don't get the "family" effect at home, I do get the teaching and worship aspects - and in many ways, I get more out of that...and I GIVE more that way, too.

I want to feel at home at church - at what used to be MY church - but I don't. I haven't for a long time, now. And, other than finding a new church, I'm not sure what to do about it.
I keep waiting for a job to get me back into the groove - but I'm not so sure that's really the answer.

I want to see a church that reaches out to the community - intentionally tries to make a difference in the neighborhood. I'm not seeing it, and that's the problem.
What I do see is a church focused inward, on self-improvement, on the people currently in attendance. And while it's necessary to remain focused inward - it can't be the only focus. That's not what church IS -
A church isn't JUST the people in attendance on a Sunday morning!

The church needs a new kitchen - a new stove - to bring it up to code. Sure, safety is an issue, but what other benefits come from updating the appliances? Better potlucks, more successful fundraisers for the youth group?
What about providing a community meal once a week to reach out - and not just a meal where donations are accepted, where there's a Bible study following...but a meal with no strings attached...just a service of love and friendship. What about putting that new stove to some good use??

When the earth shook in Haiti, people reached out - jumped into action. The world showed compassion for a country that couldn't afford to help itself. I had made the comment to a friend - it was great to see the Church being the Church.
I wish it was something we could see everyday.

But is the Church ONLY being the Church when they reach out to third and fourth-world countries? What about the neighbor down the street that can't afford to buy groceries this week? Or the couple across the street that just lost a child?
What is the Church doing for them?

Good Intentions?

I thought it'd be good to do a second February post, though I'm still not sure what may result of it - don't really have anything particular in mind to say.
I take that back...

I guess it really needs to start with the motivation for this post -
a friend of mine in Northern Ireland is talking about starting a blog, and several suggestions were given her - xanga, blogger...the usuals. (and for some reason I just said 'usuals' with a fake NY accent...like Jack Kelly in Newsies...) But it got me to thinking about how irregular I am in updating my blog.

Mom and I watched "Julie and Julia" a couple weeks ago - and it renewed in me a desire to be read, to write something that touches people, that gets people reading. The excitement of being read is contagious...and whatever I've tried doing as a writer seems sooooo inconsistent.
I don't blog regularly...at least not consistently (which I guess is the same thing) - and when I do they're ramblings and spiritual whinings - which isn't a bad thing, I guess. And, what few comments I've gotten have really boosted my confidence - but I'm a lot like Julie (the movie Julie) in that I'm looking for comments from people I don't know...I don't want my mom being the only reader/commenter-giver on my blog...or reader of my stories to always tell me the same thing...'it's good.' I want strangers across the country to latch on to what I'm saying....I want REAL feedback, constructive criticism...something I can build on
I want my words to mean something...

All that gets me to the point that my words can't mean anything if I'm not writing. I just finished Donald Miller's book, and for the last few chapters he talked about how hard it is to make himself write. And I guess the same thing is true for me...and he says it's probably true for most writers. (pardon the cliche) It's like pulling teeth to write, sometimes...It's hard to get a character to do something...or in my case with blogging - it's hard to write about the abundance of NOTHING going on in my life right now.
But, I keep remembering that to be a writer, I HAVE to write something.

Taking into account the lack of writing I've done lately, especially of the fiction genre - my status as a writer is waning. I remember an interview with John Grisham a couple years ago - he talked about having to write a little EVERY day, or the book will never get written. It's like anything, you have to train yourself to write a little every day, or you'll never do it.

It's been in all the advice I've gotten from other writers, too - write, write, write - Tweet, Blog.... keep networking, keep making contacts...eventually you'll get out there.

I've never been a patient person -
Keeps coming up with the job situation...I apply for a job - I want to know NOW what's going on. This waiting for a month, then waiting for two weeks...then another two weeks is KILLING me!!
I guess the same thing affects me in my writing...I'm tired of putting forth an effort and seeing little-to-no result from it. (And here I go again, whining...)

I guess I just need to be more intentional about finding something to write about - start taking notes on things I see each day - or something...

Living God's Story Better

If I have a hope, it's that God sat over the dark of nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us in with the sunset and the rainstorm as though to say, "Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter... A Million Miles in a Thousand Years --Donald Miller

I've been reading Donald Miller's new book - A Million Miles in a Thousand Years - and I don't really know where to begin with it all. The book is like a reflection of my life in so many ways - and a projection of what I'd like my life to be...

Don talks a lot about the elements of story -
backup a second...first the premise of the book. Don has been presented with the opportunity to turn his life into a movie...basically his book Blue Like Jazz - which is the first book I read by Don...probably his most read book...
I honestly don't even remember what the book was about...I DO remember using his chapter of illustrations as a devotional on my second mission trip to Northern Ireland...I remember that book speaking loads to me at the time...
I was in a time of transition back then - just graduating college and facing the world of vocation...

I'm in a similar place as I'm reading Don's new book - which, as I was saying, is basically a telling of what he discovered about himself as he worked to turn his book into a movie...how he learned about elements that make a good story - and how life is like a story, only we don't write our story...God does...we're expected to live it out...

and it's had me wondering what kind of story God has written out for me...and how I'm living it.
The way I see it, most of my life has been lived on the sidelines. I mean, I have a few chapters where I feel like life has happened in a way God intended...but it's not a continuous thing.
I have mission trips, camp, worship experiences, travel experiences...things that have gotten me off the couch and had me living with a purpose. As of late...my life's been...tepid...has been...stale.
And I guess really...I'm waiting for what Don calls the...inciting incident - the thing that happens that forces a character to make a choice...to change something (for better, or worse)... the moment when everything HAS to change...has to move forward.

I guess for me, I feel like that moment comes when I have a job offer - and I'm forced to leave the stale comfort of home, and move to a new ministry position. Maybe it's happening right now (and I can't help but get all giddy with anticipation) - maybe a church is deciding I'm the right fit for them, and they want to continue their talks with me. I can only hope so...

I had a phone call today from a church in Macon, GA - and things honestly feel good!! I mean, everything feels positive...and every time I think about it, I feel charged and ready to go.
The job will be a challenge - I don't expect anything less - but from what I know right now...it just feels right!

I've been way too anxious with some of my job options - interviews that I've gotten, and I've gotten ahead of myself emotionally with things...and it's all led to letdown and disappointment.
I don't want that to happen this time...but, hanging up the phone this afternoon, I couldn't help but feel like...maybe...just maybe...the story is finally moving forward.

It's like there's been all this exposition...and I'm finally feeling the climb to some sort of action...and I feel ready to explode. I feel ready to pack, ready to GO...

but it's still a waiting game.

I have to wonder if God intended for our stories to be so....stop and go. I realize life can't always be the mountaintop experiences...I can't always have that spiritual high...
I mean, without the tough stuff, the highs wouldn't be as sweet...we wouldn't appreciate them when we have them...

For almost a year, now - I've been living a life on hold...I've been living in anticipation for the "what's next" instead of living the "what's now" - and that's something I don't' think God ever intended.

In his book, Don talks about how he took action to live a better story - he hiked the Inca Trail in Peru, he paddled a kayak down a river for several days to a YoungLife camp, he finally forgave his dad and eventually met him for the first time in 30 years, he started riding a bike...and then rode it cross-country.

While I may not have the same story...I can have the same desire to live a better story. I can finally decide to take action, and get my life moving in a way I feel honors God.

I've been thinking up ways to change my story...
and for once, I'm finally thinking my life COULD be different...and maybe finally have ways to MAKING it different.
And while I'm hesitant to put things in writing just yet....
picture me running a marathon (maybe a half-marathon)
picture me on stage (somewhere) with a guitar in hand, in front of a microphone

Just picture me different....
maybe not physically (at least not JUST physically) - but all-around different.

It makes me excited...

I feel written. You can call it God or a conscience, or you can dismiss it as that intuitive knowing we all have as human beings; but there is a knowing I feel that guides me toward better stories, toward being a better character. I believe there is a writer outside ourselves, plotting a better story for us, interacting with us even, and whispering a better story into our consciousness. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years -- Donald Miller

The Words I Would Say

Sometimes the words I need to hear don't come from the people I really need to hear them from...but God still has a way of getting the words to me....

Today they came in a song by Sidewalk Prophets...

The Words I Would Say

Three in the morning, and I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I'd say
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

Chorus
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are
I know 'cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths

Chorus

Say from one simple life to another
I will say come find peace in the Father
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things I already know
God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say

because even I sometimes struggle with self-doubt and wonder if I'm really doing all I can to follow God's will. Sometimes I just need the affirmation that I'm doing okay...that the people around me are proud of what I'm doing - that my struggles aren't in vain...

I can't possibly imagine...

For months I've been struggling with feelings...
depression
hopelessness
sadness
dispair

it's kind of freakin' me out, right now. All through Christmas I struggled to feel "right." I'd lost the joy and excitement I'd felt in years past, the pure joy of anticipation that seemed to take hold the closer Christmas day got. (I don't know how many times I listened to the song "Christmas Like a Child" - I want to feel Christmas, how it used to be, with all of it's wonder falling on me...)

I think what scares me the most about the lack-of-emotion I've been feeling lately is the thought that it could be permanent.
I think what gives me hope, though, is that I don't want it to be permanent. I don't want this empty feeling to continue.

I asked my dad last month if he felt excited at Christmas time or if it just disappears the older you get.
I don't really remember his answer...I just know this year was different. I just...didn't have that feeling.

It reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in the movie "Wide Awake" - Joshua is in the toy store talking about the magic he used to experience. He talks about how there used to be magic, but all he sees now is plastic and paint...and wonders if he'll still remember the magic when he's an adult.

I'm not just talking about Christmas magic. There's something lacking in my spiritual life as a whole...there's a feeling...something that I can't find where I am right now. I'm not sure changing my routine would even help.
It's like I need a spiritual anti-depressant...

Church just doesn't feel like home. There's a lack of something...there's a lack of warmth...there's a lack of energy and passion in me...and it's wearing me out.

and as if God's calling out - this song comes on the radio...

He Will Carry Me - Mark Schultz

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me


And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me